Mark woke up from sleep in a mild panic attack. He stood up and sat at the edge of bed and stared at the window in a cranky anxiousness. It is predawn, a silent, dim beginning of the day. He didn’t see the curtained window clearly; his vision was at a long foggy road stretching towards future and he is walking lonely on that road and it really scared him a bit. An awareness began to develop clearly that he cannot go on alone like this too long. He probed himself, am I not courageous enough as thought or imagined? However he restrengthened and compelled himself to be strong to go through his new life, because there is not an option to step back, he is already in the second phase of his life. He encouraged himself few more times to be courageous. It is clear, that day also a hard one for him to begin as usual these days. When the day brightens up it will be okay he hoped.
Mark walked to the deck at the back of the house sipping the tea he made to enjoy flush of sunrise because his house faces west. He is now almost fully out of waking up gloom. When he decided to live a new life finally, it was exciting and thrilling, but when really in it now problems start to dissolve in. He moved from extreme east to extreme west to distance from the past as far as he can to immerse in all the new experience the new life will bring. Anyhow anywhere it is unable to live alone, it is getting obvious subconsciously and consciously and starts to hurt him. Down west there Pacific also comes out of night, he stood there little longer allowing the goodness of light of the rising sun to soak in.
Mark went to the world around through internet searching for places to meet brand new people. Bars put aside for weekends only, but his interest got drawn towards charity organisations and charitable work primarily. Why am I attracted towards charitable work?! Mark asked himself in a very secretive manner of thought. He came out of his past life adamantly and might be even with a bit of arrogance to find ways to enjoy pure personal happiness. But the truth might be, a very empathetic man is living inside close beside the happiness seeking selfish man, so, he should have to try to satisfy that empathetic man as well. He chose two charitable organisations to reach judging by their websites cautiously.
He remembered vaguely that he has some other mysterious plans at the back of his mind about new life, connections and activities. Mark has to do some preparations before other things for those mysterious plans.
Mark made a call to make an appointment at 10:30 am. While talking in the phone it seemed like he is trying to hide something from his tone and gestures. If has to achieve a specially discrete goal he should hide carefully chosen things from others, nothing wrong in it. Anyone who has to reach any such particular goal should hide things those are should be concealed, if not they will get deeply disappointed at some point. Mark stood up to get ready.
Mark reached the parking lot of health centre little bit early, but stayed in the car waiting for the appointment time. He do not want to wait in reception with the irritation of worrying about whether others going to find out his embarrassment from his face and movements. He went into the clinic just two minutes before time and walked straight to the receptionist and told about his appointment. She checked in the computer and asked him to wait for few minutes with a peculiar tone. The receptionist tried very hard to behave naturally, neutrally and elegantly polite with a nice smile, but that smile had a trace of fun because she knows the intention of Mark’s visit, she went inside. He waited there in a chair with mild but inescapable embarrassment. The receptionist returned with that same smile still discretely enjoying the fun of their client’s secret and asked him to go in giving a room number.
Mark came into Dr. Stewart Ringer’s cabin and after very usual greetings and small talk Mark sat in the chair opposite to Dr. Stewart. After checking Mark’s file Doctor entered into the actual matter without wasting much time.
‘Are you planning to marry again?’
‘No….anyhow there isn’t any plan at this point’ Mark answered with mild shudder.
Doctor’s reaction came right away.
‘There is the thing.. in future you may go into a serious relationship.. then this can come in-between.. because.. Vasectomy is more or less a permanent procedure.. I would say 99% final’
Mark gathered more energy for his determination.
‘This is my very well thought decision… if.. if go into a relationship I will disclose this for sure’
Doctor want to make it sure, ‘You should.. do not miss it for any reason’, Doctor marked it in Mark’s file and continued,
‘Why you want to sterilise yourself.. this is an unusual decision, not to have children.. what made you to take a decision like this?’
Mark tries to open up, but cautiously,
‘Already I have two children, a daughter and a son.. from my previous marriage.. I’ve already enjoyed enough the experience of happiness or unhappiness or whatever.. of having children.. so I do not want to.. don’t feel comfortable to involve in the work of bringing more
humans to this world.. world is a very uncertain place, right?.. so..’
Mark ended his answer with a light smile, Mark’s answer brought a shade of extra thinking on doctor’s face, he has accepted Mark’s stand,
‘Yeah.. I understand you.. okay then.. before we go to operation table.. you should have to undergo some tests and preparation.. I will give you all details.. and probably in one week we can go for the actual procedure’
Mark has finally decided and almost there to separate the rapture of lust from the process of continuation of species. He has already done his part to his maximum capacity to fulfill nature’s basic requirement, he believe. Mark is now experiencing a feeling that he is escaping from the neutral uncaring ways of nature little further, he enjoys a bliss of it deep inside. He is surely expecting to enjoy sex without the anxiety of impregnating any woman. He want to involve in sex to experience and enjoy the pleasure of sexual intercourse in its totality, he do not wish to miss any bit of it for the sake of contraception. Yet he do want it not to be selfish at all, he use to remind it himself now and then. He wants to escape from self accusation and wants to stay from possible accusations could come from the world around. He wants to make sure with whole sincerity the act of sex and the joy of it should be pure and guilt free.
Mark’s mind visions get darkens sometimes in the context of present situation, but anyhow he is in the flow forward and sincerely do not want to get out of his decisions. His thoughts are now going to his testicles and penis more often than usual. Attention going to genitalia is normal for anyone seeking happiness, especially for a man, now it’s more towards it naturally.
Mark has undergone through all required tests and waiting for the call from clinic for the actual execution of vasectomy. He is now fully ready to give himself on surgery table for the surgeon to put knife in his testicles to make a permanent change in his life.
Three days after Mark got the call from clinic. He got vasectomised with a procedure took less than a hour. He decided to take full rest at least one week intentionally dividing him from any reasons to worry or hurry for anything. He took care of his testicles and penis fondly with medicines and comforts particularly for the testicle sac. In those seven days nothing else happened except few phone calls regarding his assets in Toronto from his accountant, fortunately there was nothing to make him really worry in those calls. Days passed idle granting many chances to enjoy wine, beer and spirits without guilt, with the justification that he can go back to disciplined life after testicles got healed.
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